Waking in the Calm of Desolation

I remember hearing the calls to prayer once, when I was still in primary school. I remember being alienated by it, and yet curious. My ears, unaccustomed to the Arab tongue (rather ironic, in retrospect) were curious, what did it mean?

"Allāhu akbar! Allāhu akbar! Allāhu akbar! Allāhu akbar!"
"Ash-hadu an lā ilāha illallāh!"
"Ash-hadu an lā ilāha illallāh!"
.
.
.
"Allāhu akbar! Allāhu akbar!"
"Lā ilāha illallāh!"

Then, it was childlike curiosity. Now...
I think it is the most beautiful proclamation of worship to come from the human mind. I think it has a beauty of its own, this Arab tongue that I should by right be familiar with. I am not swayed by its beauty... But it still is musical. Beautiful.

One of my most vivid memories of worship in St. Andrew's was during morning assembly. I can't even remember what day it was, what year I was in. All I remember are these words:

"A new commandment
I give unto you
that you love one another
as I have loved you."

There were, of course, other hymns. More 'obvious' choices, like "I Don't Know About Tomorrow" or the (in)famous "End of Term Hymn". I chose this one because unlike the others, what struck me most about this hymn (even as I was making lewd jokes with someone [JJ? Can't recall] from 1A/2A) was the fact that... everyone seemed to be singing. Those from SASS would know this hardly ever happens. So I started to pay attention to the words. At this point, I'd like to pause my narration. If I wanted to maintain my image, or if this were fiction- I'd poignantly continue with something along the lines of This was my first realization of the hypocrisy of religion, with all its proclamations of love, the strife it had wrought stuck out like a sore thumb. From that day on, I vowed never to bow to the evil that I perceive religion to be. But the thing is, I'm telling the truth, as far as I remember it. I may be exaggerating, possibly only half the thoughts I'm about to share actually occurred to me as I contemplated this song. But what I think I felt that day was a great sense of... flippancy. It was a mistake, perhaps. But I honestly had more important things to worry about. I gave it my fair share of cynicism, thoughts such as "Who's paying us all of a sudden?" and "We suck as a choir". Ok, fine, also "We must be gay." I just didn't care.

Now, I wonder. It was one of the most memorable moments, only after I left SASS. I never thought much about it when I was in there, my head being elsewhere, buried in studies, Xbox, Halo and the like. But then when I search for memories of worship in SASS... Not Saints Aflame, not any of the chapel sessions, no. This comes to mind. Why, I wonder? Maybe because I believe now that humanity defines itself by sticking together? Not really. Because it was a nice hymn? Well, yes, but there are better ones. I don't really know. Maybe I'll find the answer to that riddle someday.

In any case. Christian worship has never struck me as out of place, because I grew up with it. Similarly, Muslim worship is not as familiar, but I've grown to see it and appreciate it as a part of my family's culture... The way you reacquaint yourself with a long lost cousin, so I have become accustomed to Islam. Taking the family simile further, Christianity was to me the naggy aunt that would always be hovering around, trying to meddle with your life, but not central. I never gave it much heed until later in my secondary school life. Then it became the wise uncle that seemed to know all. Hm.

In any case. My relationship with religion has certainly changed. I've gone from uncaring Muslim to semi-converted agnostic, to die-hard atheist... Now? I don't know. I don't think the world's black and white. I'm definitely a de facto atheist. But do I really subscribe to a zero-sum perception of the existence of God? Or do I give it as much credence as unicorns and leprechauns? It does make a difference. It means opening up that door which I swore I wouldn't open. I don't want to make this decision hastily, nor do I want to do it in an emotional state. For now, the door stays closed. But one day, when the dust has settled, I will revisit this question of faith, and settle this inner debate once and for all.

---------------

I have given up on so much. The past was certain. Now, I don't know what I'll be doing tomorrow. I tried to reach out to a hand that wasn't even there, and it cost me. I turned to others, but now I don't know how to ask for any more help. Afraid that there really isn't anything anyone can do. I know I'm not the best of friends. I know that I can be a pain in the ass. I know I can hurt without meaning to. And yet some of you still offer the hand... I don't know if I can take it. Am I strong enough to follow through? Can I meet the basic expectation of every helping hand, that I will feel better afterward? That's why hands are offered. Everyone wants to help, they want to see the results. But I don't know if I deliver those results. Have I let you down?

Honesty. I don't know. Do you understand now? I've said so often, in place of "yeah I know". Shattered self-confidence, it was always there. Just that it comes out most now. You see, empty vessels, they make the most noise. I don't want to slap your helping hands away. I'm afraid to take them. What a paradox.

We began in tears, how else could we end.... But in tears? I wonder if she realizes the irony and the full circle we have travelled.